PROJECT IRON FIST: The Naked Ape
Now, up until my friend’s comment, I thought I was doing okay. I exercise regularly and I no longer drink until I pass out. I also moisturize, which may be funny for a guy to say, but my industry is not unlike a horny, middle-aged husband – it hates the effects of aging and resents those who show it. However, as I look at the photo, I have to confess she’s not wrong…I do look kinda bad. Mind you, I think I always look bad in pictures. Some friends may object with comments like, “You look great in that photo!” but in my opinion that’s always been something you say to a person who 1) normally looks bad, or 2) you want to have sex with. I know that in my case it must be the former, because I’ve been getting it a lot lately… from my guy friends.
It seems I can’t pick up a men’s magazine without finding an article on how it could be possible in the future to not only extend life but actually reverse the effects of aging….good to know, I suppose, but of little use to me at the moment. So what do I do until that brand new morning when I can pop one pill and my hair grows back, I instantly shrink down to size 34 pants, my dick lengthens by five inches and I suddenly have the stamina to take five woman as dates to Keith Richard’s funeral because I’ve managed to live that long? That’s a question on the mind of lots of men, if the the male beauty products aisle at Shopper’s Drug Mart is anything to go by. The thing is – do I need it? What kind of condition do others see me in? If substantial improvement is required, what form should it take? I have a few guy friends my age who host TV shows and I am almost certain they dye their hair, but how do women feel about that? What about those overly groomed eyebrows all the metro-sexual douche’s on “Jersey Shore” have – should I go under the tweezer? I have a growing bald spot on the back – how do we feel about hair plugs, or maybe just Hair In A Can? Maybe I should make a Hail Mary pass and try plastic surgery. I was watching Dr. 90210 once and a couple on there had their genitals “done” – he, the scrotum, and she, the labia. They said it gave them a second chance at life! Now THAT is powerful.
I suppose I could just accept that complete physical breakdown on the downslope to death is simply how humans roll. However, I’ve been reading a lot about my new BFF Leonardo Da Vinci, and he believed that one of the keys to a first rate mind was to be in top flight physical condition. Perhaps a little advanced “temple maintenance” is what’s needed in order to be a Better Man, so here’s what I’m going to do: I will assemble an advisory team and I am going to stand before them NAKED — no clothes, no shower, no shave — and let them see the real Chris, critiquing me right down to the wrinkles (everywhere). I’ll come back to you with a full report and then decide what measures I’ll take to pimp my ride.
Naturally, I’ll be using a rigorous, time-honoured method for assembling my team. It looks something like this: who wants to see me naked?
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