PROJECT IRON FIST: The Naked Ape
As good as it gets these days.
A friend of mine, upon seeing this picture from a previous post, said “It’s perfect. You look fat and a little hungover.” This made me sad, since prior to taking that photo I actually got up, lifted some weights, showered, and shaved. I even sucked my belly in before snapping it. Her comment made me more than sad, actually, because it confirmed what I knew was happening…I’m starting to look old. It sounds somewhat obvious to say, but it’s hard to gauge the ravages of time when you can only see yourself age in tiny increments every day (as we all do).
Thanks to the rigid borders of my parent’s co-mingled DNA, aging has me in a sleeper hold – in addition to being shaped like Spongebob Squarepants, I suffer the family curse of loving rich, fatty food and being unable to metabolize it quickly – I only have to look at a picture of perogies and I put on weight. Nonetheless, being single and working on television means I cannot afford to admit defeat, so I wage a war of attrition on my body’s genetics, one whose outcome is already predetermined (death) and for which the best I can hope is a few battles won.
Pages: 1 2
Redneck Mommy
When I woke up this morning, never did I think that the first thing I’d see when I opened my computer was you naked staring back at me.
Weird.
First off, if you wax your brows I’m severing our friendship bond. I can’t be friends with those frou-frou men who have nicer eyebrows than I do. It always strikes me as weird. And I want to kick them. So keep your brows manly.
Secondly, other than putting a smile on that grumpy puss you call a face, you ain’t half bad. At least when I compare you to the other aging men I know. Your gut doesn’t hang low and cover your willy and you aren’t riddled with body hair.
So chin up dude.
You could look like me. I’m fighting the same war you are and you are obviously holding on to the winning formula because if I posed like that on my blog people would think I was your gramma. Who eats a lot of perogies.
Chris
Well, it’s good to know that you think I’m not so far gone that I can’t pull myself out the nosedive and pull off what I will refer to as a “McConaughey” or as at least as close to one as my double helix allows. I don’t think I’ll be waxing the eye-brows…for years now, I’ve been shaving the little part over the bridge of my nose where they tend to meet, and that seems to work. Just because I can grow Cro-Magnon eye-brows doesn’t mean I should.
The world is a big place…I’m sure there’s at least one or two readers out there who’d dig a picture of a naked, perogie-eating gramma…
Shannon
Whereas I applaud this project of yours and your quest to become a better man, I think this post is taking it a bit too far. Why are you so hard on yourself? As someone who also used to be in television and appear on the stage, I can assure you that there will always be legions of young, smarter, better looking people out there and there’s jack shit you can do about it. Why not embrace the fact that you look really good for your age, and that most people probably assume that you’re younger than your 39 years? Subjecting yourself to the potential ridicule of a few close friends and documenting every wrinkle will only cast you deep into despair and make you one of those mindless drips that already overpopulate our planet with their endless quest for youth and perfection. For crying out loud, what is with our cultures obbession with avoiding depth? Get into shape, certainly, if that makes you feel happy, provides a good release of stress and tension and helps you feel good about yourself. Do not start messing with hair dye and cosmetic surgery, the world needs more people of depth and less self absorbed assholes. You’re plenty attractive and the only one who doesn’t believe that is you. xo
Chris
Shan, I’d like to refer you to something I wrote to another reader…..”I would like to think everyone (wants to feel good) about themselves, and part of that is feeling better about how you look to others. That’s what it’s like for me – my physical appearance sends a message to the world, one that I hope like-minded women will receive and appreciate. I don’t like everything my appearance is saying, which is why I try to script it with yoga, Rogaine, and interesting footwear choices.”
It may surprise you to know that despite not liking everything about my body, I’m not super self-conscious about it either. Frankly, I don’t think I’m so hard on myself as taking a practical attitude to my actual shortcomings. I don’t care to look like I’m 20 something metrosexual douchebag, but I’m not afraid of a little constructive criticism either . Moreover, I’d like to think I could build a team from better friends than ones who would seek to humiliate me, and at any rate that which doesn’t kill you, right? As for deep despair…well, the nice thing about hitting bottom is you got no place to go but up, no matter what Jack Donaghy says…
Beverley
Don’t pimp the ride, Chris. Don’t do it. I live in a city where most rides are pimped and it’s creepy in the worst way. Especially as more time passes, which, as we know, it will. Shannon is right.
Wait. Okay. Pimp one thing. Have the tattoos removed.
Chris
What?! I love the twins. How am I going to fit in at the scenester rest home when I’m 90 if I don’t have tattys? BTW, rest homes are going to look like co-ed prisons in about 50 years with all the tattoos out there right now.
I know precisely of the creep factor you speak of, but as my new BFF Leonardo (Da Vinci, not DiCaprio) pointed out, I should keep my open mind open to all possibilities, no matter how ludicrous they may seem to others…that said, I’m not pimping my ride, only getting friends to look under the hood and tell me what they like and don’t like. You in?
Beverley
Um.
Sure.
Chris
So. Cold.
Alley
…’the ravages of time’ does not necessarily equate to bad, but rather, say… roughly hewn.
In the world of real women – that’s good.
Chris
I hope the real women who see me really naked agree with you…