PROJECT “MY BAD: The Ben Franklin Moral Virtue Matrix, Part 2: Results

Week 9 (Principal Virtue: Moderation)

As I drill down on the virtues, I start to see some improvement, and patterns begin to emerge, both good and bad. For starters, I’m working with a partner to develop a TV show, and the unrelenting pressure of our deadline has focussed my energies in a way that makes me too busy to be sinful – at least, when it comes to prioritizing my tasks (Order), getting done whatever it is I need to (Resolution), and staying busy all day (Industry). Idle hands really are the devil’s work.

I’m also finding that generally, I’m not prone to extreme behaviours. I’m a fairly even-tempered person who doesn’t get all twisted when stuff doesn’t work out (Moderation) – perhaps the result of having stuff go wrong for so long. I don’t judge people harshly, and I try to consider the reasons why they feel or act a certain way (Justice). I don’t talk shit that often (Silence) or say stuff I don’t really mean (Sincerity). I do withhold things I should say, but strangely there is no designated week to practice the virtue of Courage. Finally, I notice that I’m truly humble, which is actually no great feat since there’s very little in my life now of which I can be overly proud. The same can be said of Temperance – years of abusing alcohol has rendered me immune to its charming upsides (like feelings of invincibility) and highly susceptible to it’s nasty after effects (like the sense my brain is swelling to twice its size and coming out my ears). I drink less, even when I want to drink more.

What’s more unnerving are the unbroken string of dots in two principal categories: despite my best efforts, I’m neither tranquil nor chaste. The reasons are simple enough: although I don’t care to admit it, I seethe with resentment. I resent the fact that after after years of getting great jobs, I must now persuade people to give me work while others with more dubious qualifications brag about the gigs they’re turning down because they’re “soooo busy.” I resent having to pay my ex-girlfriend money from the sale of the apartment that I bought but we lived in…I feel I’m being overly generous while she sweats me for every penny, which is less a function of who’s right or wrong so much as a reflection of our mutually stingy natures. I seethe again when I ask her if I might pay in two installments (so I won’t be broke) and she refuses. I’m reminded of something Roger Ebert wrote, about how resentment is a way “to let someone else use your mind, rent-free.” Rather than heed the intent of Roger’s words, I keep thinking I should charge my ex-gf for the privilege of using my mind – maybe I’ll get some of the money back.

Basically, I resent every one of my friends who is successful or happy. As Gore Vidal wrote “when a friend succeeds, a part of me dies a little.” Well, I die a little several times each day – such is the curse of having successful, happy friends. I’m not proud of how I feel. This is just how it is. I resolve to have more grace about this, but I might save that for Resolution week.

As for chastity…okay, so I have been seeing a Special Lady Friend for a little while. It’s too early to tell if we’ll make for great life partners, but on the upside I can report that the woman still blows my skirt up. All. The. Time. Normally, I would get bored after just a few months of being with someone, but so far Special Lady Friend has beaten the odds. Of course, being with someone that turns me on as much as SLF has led to the small matter of something Catholics charmingly refer to as “self abuse”. I’m “debasing” myself daily…sometimes twice. Even three times. I tell myself that by feverishly masturbating like a pimply-faced teenager I’m staving off prostate cancer in old age, thus invoking Ben’s “do it if your health depends on it” loophole on Chastity.

Week Eleven (Principal Virtue: Tranquility)

My busiest week of the year – so busy, in fact, that I have no time to clean the house, or exercise. I’m rushing to complete a TV project on deadline while I direct a TV crew at the Toronto Film Festival. Here again is proof that nothing helps one remain mostly virtuous and largely unkempt quite like constant amounts of work. If charmless workaholics ever required vindication, here it is.

Of course, being surrounded by famous film industry types being treated well only serves to remind me that I am a low level functionary in the caste system of fame (NOTE: bear in mind I say this as someone who can’t watch the Oscars because I’m mad I haven’t been invited). My envy is such that when I see the girl from Little Miss Sunshine at an after-party, I “accidentally” side-swipe her while walking to the can, knocking her into a lobby card. I’m immediately contrite, and apologize. I have consistently failed at the one virtue I was supposed to focus on this week. I feel like the most sinful man in the city.

Week Nineteen (Principle Virtue: Industry)

I’ve said it twice already, and I will say it again – nothing prevents sin quite like having shit to do. Sure, it’s a cliché so clichéd it can’t even make it on a t-shirt. But it’s true – I’ve been working regularly, making money regularly, and the result is I’m completely focussed – too busy to even blog as much as I’d like (how’s THAT for a rationalization?). Sure, I’m producing shows about mildly unbalanced people who spend all their time with zoo animals, but nonetheless I feel imbued with purpose. I’m not solving cold fusion or curing cancer, but I still feel like I’m adding something to the world.

So that’s probably why I didn’t see it coming – Monday, Nov. 1, 2010, aka my Most Virtuous Day of the Year. I didn’t commit a single sin all day, and I’m so proud of my accomplishment on Monday that on Tuesday I end my streak as suddenly as it started by violating the virtue of Humility.

Still, I take some solace from this week. Working at something I’m good at has served to dissipate some of my resentful feelings, and led to more Tranquility. I’m not fully zen just yet – I still have to manage the mountain of debt I’ve amassed as a result of moving, breaking up, and being chronically under-employed for the past two years. But stuff like that is not unlike walking with a limp – it’s not ideal, but you still get around. What’s more, I really don’t sweat the small stuff – I’m not freaking out in slow checkout lines, or traffic jams. If I go to a restaurant and they don’t have the salmon, I will take the tuna (although I always feign flipping the table and storming out – it gets laughs, even if they’re nervous ones). I seem to have taken a page from the Navy SEALs – I simply adapt.

As for chastity…well, let’s just say I’ve learned to focus my energies a little better. By that, I actually mean I’ve been too busy to spank it regularly, and when I am in the mood to ‘polish the bannister,’ I’ve learned to summon the restraint to keep my weapon in its holster. I do this without the use of any Jedi mind tricks at all. Well, actually, I do use one – it’s a basic prinicple in jiu-jitsu that resisting an opponent’s aggression is counter-productive – it’s better to either accept or deflect that energy. I never got far enough in jiu-jitsu to apply it on the mat, but I find myself applying that logic in life all the time, particularly when it comes to…well, y’know. When I feel a bit randy, I simply move onto something else…like pushups. Seriously. I’m doing a LOT of pushups. I’m not sure they’ll help my prostate at all, but at least now SLF thinks I have only the libido of pimply-faced teenager, as opposed to the bad habits of one.

Now, I don’t think Ben Franklin was hoping to become a become a wild-eyed ascetic who wore hairshirts and whipped his back with a cat o’ nine tails to purge himself of sin ( a clear violation of the virtue of Moderation). He may’ve started out looking to eliminate sin and embrace pure virtue, but I think even Ben himself would say at best all the Matrix can do is curb one’s excesses. For example, I can waste excessive amounts of time, I can be intellectually lazy, and apparently I like drinking, fucking, and being resentful altogether too much….but the Matrix has served as a reminder to keep my eye on those things, and try to keep them from getting off the leash.

Maybe it’s Jungian of me to say it, but perhaps the lesson here is that there is always a darker self, and it’s best not to fight it. Sadly, I’m not quite that evolved – maybe it’s my Christian upbringing, but I can’t quite make friends with my shadow Me – I accept that it’s there, that’s it’s a part of me, but I still hope to mitigate it’s ill effects. I can accept that we’re all burdened with a finite amount of moral turpitude when we’re born, and we’ll never shake it off so much as move it around, spread it across the entirety of our life so it doesn’t build up in one place and cause problems – kinda like bed sores.

So based on my experience in the Matrix, I can tell you that becoming a Better Man and pursuing a life of virtue is one where you’re forever spinning moral plates while convincing the angels of your darker nature to jump from one plate to the other – quite a trick, and if you think about it, it’s a miracle that most of us choose to do it and pull it off fairly well. That’s not to say it works every time. Take my most recent week, for example:

Week 23 (Principal Virtue: Cleanliness)