Hi Steve! (Can I call you Steve?)

My name is Chris, and I’m working on being a Better Man for the next year.  I’ve lined up a few projects for myself to tackle, and I realize you’d be the perfect man to help with one of them. Basically, I think I might need to be a bigger asshole in order to be a better man.

You see, it occurred to me that I’ve spent a good portion of my life being more or less honest, trying with my limited gifts to be as decent as I can.  I can’t say I’ve always succeeded, but I’ve tried:  I’ve been polite, courteous, followed the rules, not just in letter but in spirit.  Whenever I said I believed in something, I tried to stick to it.  Sounds so…Canadian, doesn’t it?

Anyway, it’s gotten me nowhere.  I’m unemployed (thanks for the cheques, BTW, they’re coming in handy),  I’m single,  I’m broke and I have zero prospects.  So it occurred to me that I shouldn’t limit my definition of what a better man is – I mean, what if a Better Man isn’t someone who is honest, forthright, and sticks to principle? What if a Better Man is fiendishly clever, amoral, and never lets his principles get in the way of pursuing naked self-interest in order to get what he wants?  What I’m saying, Steve, is that you may be proving the argument that says to be a better man, you have to be an complete dick.

And you didn’t come by your prick-ish-ness naturally.   You’ve been hard at over the last few years. I remember when you were just starting out in politics, and you always bleated about how  Canadians needed better representation in government.  You said they’d never get it so long as we had those dusty old rules that technically still make us a constitutional monarchy.  Yet, proroguing Parliament on a whim and shutting down democracy for two months is something that could never happen if those rules didn’t exist.  You have managed to stifle democracy in a democratic country, and you’ve done it by using the same antiquated parliamentary system you vowed to fix.   You took the enemies of your conscience and made them …frenemies! Nice.

Who's bad?

Take the Senate, for example… first, you were all pissy about an unelected Senate, and what a travesty it was.  Then, you were contrite about how you haven’t done anything about the Senate (by blaming the Liberals). But now that you’ve called a two month timeout, you’ll APPOINT the shit out of that senate house so you may use it to work on…wait for it… SENATE REFORM. Up is down. Black is white. Masterful!

Oh, I just remembered something else!  You know how you went on and on  about the Liberal sponsorship scandal costing Canadians $250 million dollars? Well, cost-wise, this extended snow day may end up costing just as much.   The time and money that have gone into the parliamentary committees, the work that went into proposed legislation..all wasted. When Parliament resumes, you’ll have to start all those new bills from scratch.  Now, when the sponsorship  scandal was still an open sore on our body politic, you had plenty of indignant opinions about it.  Here? Not a whisper, but as you told Mansbridge , you already got the bills passed that your party wanted, so who cares? Brilliant!

Speaking of scandals,  there’s your pirouette on the “alleged” torture of Afghan detainees. THAT was a thing of beauty, the way you dismissed the moral imperative of looking into the abuse of human beings on the grounds that the issue doesn’t poll well.  Here you are, a “champion” of Canadians’ need to be more involved in the affairs of their country, now banking on their apathy.  Total dick move, man! Assholes don’t “DO inquiries” – those are for suckers, like Liberals.

So let’s add it up; you’re stacking the deck in the Senate, sweeping the torture scandal under the rug,  wasting millions of taxpayer dollars in time and money on plans for the country that will die on the vine,  and no one can stop you because hey! YOU’RE PLAYING BY THE RULES! And you achieved all this because you were unafraid to eat your principles in the same way a dingo eats babies.  You blow off anyone who questions you (or even fire them, like some of your independent watchdogs), you treat Canadians as  ignoramuses (not to mention some of your ministers, what with you barring them from speaking to the media)….excuse the gushing but what a ruthless, free-wheeling, unapologetic asshole you’ve become! You’ve climbed Everest in nothing but a Jock Strap.  Bravo, Steve-O, BRAV-O!!!

What’s truly ballsy is you’ve managed to do all this with a MINORITY government, the political equivalent of a three-seven offsuit.  I must confess… I always thought you were scary, but I figured that with a minority you could go off your meds and not cause much damage.  But then there was all those speeches about government accountability, transparency, and fiscal conservatism at a time when we needed it, and I SO! BOUGHT! IT! You totally got me!!!  That, my friend, is the greatest gift of any asshole – to be able to convince people that you’re something you’re not, then have your way with them.  Some jerkwads do that to their girlfriends, but you did it to an ENTIRE COUNTRY!  You’re like the Yoda of assholes!

I won’t even get into the LAST time you shut down Parliament because you were afraid you’d lose your job, and then said it was because the opposition was trying to hijack democracy  (even though what they were prepared to do was totally allowed under the rules of parliamentary democracy)! All I will say is…well… you’re an inspiration!  I feel I MUST know what it takes to be Prime Douchebag such as you are now. It’s not like you’re busy right now (and you’re still getting paid – SHOW ME how to do that!!) so hook a brutha up!

I admit, I do feel weird asking for your help since I never voted for you but give it some thought, okay?  I’ve called this Project “ARI GOLD” but if it helps things,  I’d consider changing it to “Project: STEPHEN HARPER”. How’s THAT for a carrot?

Alright…break on 3! 1! 2! 3! BREAK!

Chris.

p.s. Oh yeah, I was going to mention this other project called MODEL CITIZEN. It’s all about trying to get politically engaged, taking active interest and get involved in the decisions that shape the country…actually, come to think of it, you probably don’t care about that one.  Forget it.

p.p.s  Check out these jugheads on Facebook! The obviously don’t appreciate your brilliance the same way I do.

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