From: Chris Nelson

To: Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger,

Fucking Brit Hume, man -  what an asshole.  Here it is,  the end of the holidays, you’re finally off the front page, and no doubt you figured people were starting to forget about you. Then Buttmunch decides to exploit your misery to put down Buddhism and give Christianity a shout out.  He says he just wants you to take care of your soul.  I, on the other hand, think you already are, and I applaud you.

You see, Tiger, you have vividly illustrated Chris Rock’s point when he said “A man is only as faithful as his options.”  You are in complete command of one of the most popular sports in the world, you’re wealthy to the point of abstraction, you’re a history-making racial vanguard, and you happen to be young and reasonably good looking – of COURSE you’re going to see more ass than a toilet seat!  It’s not like you have to persuade a girl to fuck you (like I do). I would like to think you had the best of intentions when you first married Elin.  However, I suspect life for you must feel like a tsunami of tail, targeted directly at you, and there’s only so much one mortal male can turn away.

Those guys (like Brit Hume), tsk-tsking your behaviour last month? Chances are they have WIVES and KIDS, not to mention mini-vans, mortgages, credit card balances they can’t clear, and about 40 extra pounds they need to shed. Not only would it be impolitic for them to say “Right ON, Tiger!” but they have no empathy – there’s NO WAY they’d be in a position to suffer the bras and panties of your outrageous fortune. They simply do not have your options.

Now, I should explain – I don’t pay much attention to golf, or any other sport where the professionals who play it could be 300-pound slobs and still be called “athletes.” That said, I did slavishly play Tiger Woods PGA Tour ‘07  on Playstation for an entire year. Normally I would have no opinion on you, but given my close relationship with your pixelated avatar , I feel I should throw my support behind you.

You’re one of the most publicly private citizens in the world; You offer no opinions, you make no outrageous comments, you don’t get drunk and belligerent in public, or troll major cities looking for a TMZ crew to snap your picture. Your boat is called PRIVACY – how could people not get the hint? But this has made you a cipher, onto which golf fans and avaricious sponsors project their hopes and aspirations. Cha-ching.

And really, it’s all that projection that’s deluding the public into thinking you OWE them some humiliating public act of contrition.   You are the tall grass, my friend, and they are looking to give you a haircut with the Lawn Mower of Misplaced Expectations.  Unlike a lot of celebrities these days, your fame depends primarily on your ability to play golf, and less on people’s willingness to pay attention to you.     You owe them nothing.  You owe me nothing.  The only people to whom you owe anything are your wife and kids.

Not that you need any more cashish, but foregoing millions in sponsorships and walking away from glory and adoration just to step back and refocus your priorities on being a better man, a better husband and father? that’s brave. That’s way braver than some dubious apology formulated by a crack squad of PR people and then soft-balled on some Tiger-friendly non-judgapalooza like Larry King. It’s brave because your wife has far less reason to forgive you than we do, and the chances you’ll succeed in earning her forgiveness and regaining her trust are pretty low.  Yet her forgiveness is what you need the most.

So what you’re doing is pretty revolutionary, and kind of classy, in my opinion.  It shows some character, although not as much as if you hadn’t tapped so many asses (and excuse me, but OMFG! Where did you find the time to actually play golf?).  But it’s a start.    Now get gone, and stay gone. I don’t want to see your face, or hear you speak, unless it’s to tell me how great Gillette razors are.

But Tiger…if you find yourself alone in your 60-room “cottage” and you need someone to bro down with, let me know…just trying to be better over here too.

Sincerely,

Chris