Mad Skills: Borrowing from your Playbook
i did not plan on being here, but i'm not complaining.
Aside from bit torrents, re-connecting with friends I’d sooner avoid and all the free girl-on-armadillo porn I can handle, the other great thing about the internet is that it allows me to indulge my penchant for interesting tangents. This perennial lack of focus may be a big reason for my current career/life funk, but by taking a kind of stream-of-consciousness approach to pretty much my whole life I’ve ended up doing things I never thought I’d do, in places it never occurred to me to be. In this way, life never stops surprising me, even if some of the surprises suck.
I mention this because I’m in the midst a tangent right now: a comment from a friend after reading my letter to my dead dad made me realize I was acting like an asshole to friends and didn’t know it. That prompted me to reach out to my friends, asking them to tell me what they really think of me. Their responses were illuminating, and it got me wondering: if they can tell me something about myself that I don’t know and can learn from, surely there’s a whole bunch of other things unrelated to me that they can share and I can also apply to my life.
good to know.
Think of the vast number of things you need to know in order to be a functioning adult in society; there’s the basics, like try to tell the truth or remember to say “please” and “thank you” or don’t plunge a fork in your friend’s throat if he makes you mad, etc. Then there’s the practical skills, such as changing a tire, putting up drywall, or unsnapping a woman’s brassiere with one hand. From there we move to the more advanced techniques, like knowing how to lose to your boss at squash (convincingly), successfully bluffing with a 7-2 offsuit, or working hard at things without looking like you’re working hard at them.
What I seek from you, dear reader, is a whole other level of skills…the personal ones, those little tricks you’ve adopted specifically for your own use that allow you to navigate your unique path through life. You’ve tailored these to fit your needs perfectly, but there’s no reason why what works specifically for you can’t also work for others, or in this case…me. Essentially, I’m asking you to let me steal your secrets for finessing your way through life. Admittedly, I could go on the Internet for such things, and I often do. I spend hours on excellent websites such as Art of Manliness or the Art of Doing Stuff. However, I believe that amongst my readers is a deep wellspring of knowledge with which I can edify myself.
Now, I’m not expecting this information for free. As I mentioned in my previous post, I must re-learn how to add more to the lives of others than I take away. That’s why I’m prepared to offer up some of my own personal life tricks. Below is a completely random, non-prioritized list of some of the non-traditional skills that I think are necessary to the successful living of my life:
Pages: 1 2
Steve
Great challenge to throw out there, Chris! I’m sure I could come up with more and find find some that are less obvious, but here’s my number one rule that I use to guide a lot of my behaviour with others…
Unlike the popular nugget of wisdom that suggests that you treat others the way you yourself would like to be treated, I try to treat others the way THEY would like to be treated. Everyone is different and assuming that each and every person would like to get treated the same way I would is actually pretty ridiculous.
I always find that getting into another person’s shoes is the key to finding common ground, areas for compromise, and better relationships. (Not that I’m a model for long-lasting perfect relationships anymore – ha ha.)
Chris
Ah my friend…you’ve mastered the one-two combo of empathy AND intuition. No wonder your employees love you in a manner that borders on unwholesome…
Redneck Mommy
Is it wrong that I found it oddly amusing that the dog bit you?
What can I say, I’m a kinky bitch like that.
I have found, since the sudden death of my son, I have a real sense of how fleeting and special life is, so in our family, that means seizing the day and new challenges as often as possible. Even if it means force feeding the kids tofu just because we’ve never had it before.
Chris
I’m just glad he stayed with the arm.
I hope I’m not a diminishing a tragedy by saying this, but I’m glad you and your family can carpe diem, despite how you gained it.
JohnoMori
Brave to ask what people really think of you. Which leads to my tip. Keep your mouth shut about what you think about other people unless they ask you. If they do ask, I warn them – do you really want to know? Because if you ask me what I really think, then I am going to tell you what I really think. If they say yes, then I tell them. Good luck.
Chris
You have the gift of discretion, friend, and you use it wisely. Well done.
Joie
Every man should know to ask himself “Will this thing I’m about to freak out over matter tomorrow? Next Week? Next month?” Learning how to put daily stress in perspective makes real men sexay.
Oh. And stop blabbing our shoe secrets, or I’ll have to report you to the Committee for Female Obfuscation.
Chris
Brilliant…I may tattoo that in a visible spot. You’re reminding me of that great philosopher Bill Murray when he said “It just doesn’t matter!”
The committee has already slapped me on the wrist for realizing that when a woman tells me her problems she wants a hug, not one of my lame solutions.
Katy
I would say there are three major things I think of as personal little skills I use to “finesse” life.
1. I call my mom before I pick a serious fight with anyone. (Doesn’t have to be your mom, just needs to be someone who will listen and totally agree with you no matter what). Sometimes, you just need to VENT feeling angry and be frustrated for a minute. And my mom is really good at just listening to that and agreeing that I have been wronged (which, let’s be honest, is the only thing you really want in a moment of intense anger). Then, when I’m done I re-evaluate the situation. Is it really worth it to yell at the person who I’m frustrated with? Oftentimes we yell just to be heard, and inevitably we yell at someone we care about and fights quickly disintegrate into all out wars about EVERYTHING the person has ever done to you. And again, all you really wanted in the first place was to be right about that one little thing. Anyways, it saves me a lot of unnecessary tears, and doing it for so long has made me more patient overall and more capable of checking myself and thinking “Are you REALLY mad, or are you just VERY FRUSTRATED in this exact moment?”
2. I reward myself. A lot of the time I think people wait around for others to recognize what you’ve done, to realize you’ve made it to the end of yet ANOTHER long hard day and geez you went and bought groceries TO BOOT. But you know what, everyone else is doing that same stuff too. So, on days when I really feel like I put myself through the ringer and could still fight a few more rounds, I make sure to do something nice for me. It’s not necessarily a big deal, it might just be going a bit more out of my way for the coffee I REALLY like, but still, it makes me feel just a little bit better about that day.
3. Don’t keep score. I learned this one from my college roommates, who NEVER cleaned up our apartment. For months on end it was ALL I could think about and it was constantly weighing me down and making me crankier, grumpier and just overall less pleasant that I ever needed to be. Everytime I cleaned I felt like “Okay, NOW it is someone else’s turn because I’ve done this X times with no one’s help.” Eventually, I just learned that I had to clean the apartment for ME and not for anyone else. It’s the same thing with being polite in my everyday life. Just because I try to watch where I’m going, doesn’t mean everyone else will. Keeping score outside of sports and trying to make the universe seem more “fair” is just going to weigh you down for no good reason. Do stuff for yourself and not because it should even out.
Great post!! Really makes you think about who you are.
Chris
Great response….I’ve got to pay particular attention to number three, as I’m prone to getting hung up on the success of others. Madonna was not wrong when she said success doesn’t change you so much as the people around you. Gotta remember that…so thanks.
the producer
Katy, you are my soul-sister. I totally agree on the venting to mom, rewards system and not keeping score(no one else is on your schedule). These are so wise. I add to that…
1) don’t take things personally. Most things are not about you. To think they are and react is to cause a chain of events that you cannot stop. Bosses, lovers, co-workers, family members are mostly thinking about themselves and acting based on that. Get over yourself, the rest of the world has.
2) treat yourself. If I am at a donut shop and the sparkly donut crosses my eye-line, I ALWAYS buy it. It’s my rule. It’s to remind me that life is too short not to celebrate and occasionally indulge in a party based on fat and sugar. Same rule goes for swings-sets. I see one and I must swing.
3) when I’m angry, REALLY frustrated, ready-to-rage on the guy driving like an idiot in front of me, the senior taking forever (why do they need to bank over the lunch-hour, they have all day?They’re awake at 5am!) I turn all of that around by going out of my way to do something nice – immediately…for the next closest person. It always changes my mood and I hope, helps with my pal karma.
Chris
Sprinkles. Fillings, I can take or leave, but I can’t resist the sprinkles.
home and uncool
My secret — Bombay Sapphire instead of Hendrick’s. Try it.
Chris
Huh, I do love the Hendricks. But I try to keep an open mind….I’ll let you know how it goes.
Tickled Red
I have to admire your honesty and ability to read a womans “sole”
That being said lets see what I can offer you. Keep in mind I am a dorky, artsy redhead. I am a fighter and refuse to let life get me down (for long…everyone has there off days) or ruin my enjoyment. So…
1.My moto-”Smile til’ it’s hurts”. You might not start out meaning that smile but something during the day will actually deserve one.
2. Life is simple…yet simple is complex beyond belief. Appreciate it, savor it, breathe it in.
3. Irish morbid side: All of this will be gone so you darn well better make sure it’s good.
4. Live your life how you wish to be remembered!
This was interesting thanks.TR
Chris
Red, are you also a Buddhist by any chance? That’s the one thing the Irish and Buddhists can agree: life is suffering. I think Buddhists finish that with “…and then you die” so I think I prefer the Irish take on that.
Shawn
Interestingly I just started my own blog (like just got it up…) and I have a post along the lines of your ‘Ask them what they think of you’. I haven’t done it to your extent (kudos) but I see the value in it.
My tip – and maybe it’s not so great: If you think you have Integrity, let others learn that about you, don’t tell them. I learned this through observation and through experience.
Another – Patience when you gotta be somewhere. Truly, a couple extra minutes (or 5 or 10) is not going to make anything worse. If it’s going to make you late for a movie, then just don’t go. I have to practice this in my head all the time – but having a baby really helps me realize that the journey is important. I’m not going to make my wife (or someday my kids) feel bad because we’re not out the door on time. It’s not worth it. Instead I offer to help and I make sure to smile the whole time.
Chris
Shawn – Integrity is a good one, and you’re right – revealing through your actions is better.
You get there when you get there, so don’t stress. Got it.
William
Say something absurd or laugh at something innapropriate at least once a day. That way when you say something hurtful or mean people may not know how to take it.
Chris
William, we’ve never met and ALREADY I like you. Ask anyone…I say inappropriate things all the time!
kittenpie
For me, one of the things that makes me sail through is being a good listener. People tell me things, come to me with problems, and feel comfortable with me, which means I get a lot of inside scoop and a lot of trust. I also offer up ideas packaged as suggestions or questions, which means they don’t think I’m telling them what to do – that helps, too. Gentle persuading or being helpful without looking like it’s assvise is a beautiful thing.
And because I’m a pollyanna, I also look for the best interpretation of a situation, which means I hate people less than I would otherwise, given my public service job. Which helps ME.
(And we women judge men by their shoes ALL. THE. TIME. – because there’s a language there, too.)
Chris
Good listener – really, it’s vital, and I can be terrible at it. If you have suggestions as to improve, I’m all ears (no joke). In fact, I suspect I could talk shoe with you all day…
Shannon
Chris,
The one thing that I find keeps me sane, fighting through the inconsistency and mad curve balls that life throws at me, is to constantly do something (anything) creative.
This has allowed me a kind of solace that you cannot find in a bottle of wine (though I indulge in that too) whether it’s print making, knitting, writing a column (and voicing it for the CBC), painting, drawing or singing at a jam, it works for me. To express something positive through artistic pursuits makes me feel like I’ve accompolished something good and worthwhile. Try it, you’ll like it.
JHarm
This book totally jarred the way I interact with people, friends and family. It’s about why we justify foolish beliefs, bad decisions, and hurtful acts
It’s called Mistakes Were Made But Not By Me.
http://www.amazon.ca/Mistakes-Were-Made-But-Not/dp/0156033909
It’s written by the father of cognitive dissonance. Don’t worry, he’s a psychology nut, not a self help nut.
Chris
I have a friend or two who may want that for an epitaph. Thanks for the suggestion….
Domesticated Gal
Know how and when to be the brutally honest friend. They ask your opinion on the outfit that makes them look like a clown? Tell them. Not necessarily the clown part, but that you won’t be caught dead in public with them dressed like that. They ask your opinion on their new almost-bald haircut that will take months to grow out? Be honest – but not until it actually grows out.
Know the difference between an opinion and a judgement. Opinions are flexible, superficial, and a part of a larger picture. Judgements are permanent once spoken, so think of them as a tattoo (before laser removal was invented), or that naked picture of you (hopefully) as a baby – something that will be a part of how others see YOU (even if your judgement is of them) for the rest of your life.
And know how to make one fabulous baked good. Great for taking to parties, giving to friends and new neighbors, or making sure those women you wooed with your steak keep coming back. Should include chocolate. Ghiradelli Double Chocolate Brownies from a box mix also work well in a pinch.
UP
Yoga- no, bike- no, (but my son rides and thanks for the reassurance!), reduction- oh yes, tip- very well, martini- i make a killer!, kipling- not so much, shoes- 45 pair, in and out- i like a lot of things in and out, everything once- most of it…we’re practically twins!
Good post, loved it and will have to check it out often…thanks to Tanis for the tip!
UP
Chris
UP, you are mensch, and I thank you for reading. As for being twins…well, based on your pic and the regular erosion of my hairline, we soon will be.
Colleen
1) I always wear nice underwear. Even if I’ve worked a 10+ hr day, picked crabby kids up from the sitter’s and the house is a mess, its like a small part of my life is still MINE and still PRETTY, even if my hubby isn’t home to see them.
2) I can laugh at myself. I’m a clutz by nature. I often say things I probably shouldn’t. But I can’t honestly tell you a story about being embarrassed. We’re all human, dude. Let stuff go.
3) When given the chance to spend time with friends/family or stay home, clean my house and chill, I always choose spending time with friends/family. ALWAYS. The dishes will always be there tomorrow, those people may not.
Chris
Colleen – you and I think with a hive mind. I love being at home, I find self-aware clutzes curiously attractive, and I whole-heartedly applaud your penchant for nice underwear and hope other women follow suit. When you consider the time and energy that has been put into underwear that flatters the female form – well, I’m just to know it’s there even if I don’t get to see it. I hope hubby feels the same.
KT
What I’m gonna do is read blogs like this one, and then crib YOUR style and the style of all readers who are helping you and in turn, helping me. Then act as if I’m just naturally this cool by not telling people I am going to do this (unlike what I’m doing now but I haven’t read off of the other comments yet, so this is the old me typing).
Chris
That’s my girl….can’t wait to read comments from New You.
Roberta
GREAT post Chris! I have to say that it was a welcome morning chuckle and AHA moment.
The one thing that has helped me create a succesful life is the “no regret” rule.
I can learn from mistakes I have made(maybe that 80′s afro wasn’t such a cool look), apologize for my errors in my relationships (sorry has more meaning if I am not resentful which usually comes as a side dish)with others but I won’t regret it. Maybe it is just a reminder that I am not perfect and I still need to learn but it keeps me sane. I think people get mired in the “what ifs” of life and can’t see that there was a more important “what is/was” lesson. It is too much wasted energy better spent improving myself and learning from what I have done right or wrong in life.
FYI..funny but I guess Cosmo agrees with your shoe theories because they just ran an article on “20 shoes that make him want you”. As a shoe addict I can say that mine were never purchased with a man in mind. Although watching my young son wander around the kitchen in my stilletos while trying to resolve a math problem always did give me a good chuckle.
Chris
I had four older sisters, so when I was young I may’ve read that same shoe article when I scanned their Cosmos looking for lingerie ads. Personally, I prefer shoes that weren’t purchased with a man in mind. I remember a time when my ex and I were driving home past some nightclubs in the middle of winter, and there were all these hoochies in strappy shoes shivering in the cold outside, praying the bouncer would let them in. I turned to ex, gazed at her thick, rubber-soled Sorels and realized it only made me love her more. There’s nothing sexier than a woman in sensible footwear.
Elaine Corden
Here’s my tips.
I try not to make generalizations about people based on their gender (“speak shoe” entry) or objectify people when they are exercising (“practice yoga” entry). Sorry Chris, I adore you and I know you’re kinda kidding about the shoes, but I find the less I categorize people or think I can determine who they are without talking to them, the more I can enjoy them as a person, and the more they have to offer me when I finally do get to know who they really are. What would you say if I wrote a piece instructing women on which bands to (pretend) to like to lure men. Would be pretty disingenuous on my part, right? I would go so far as to say it would be for me to alienate men, by reducing them to easily manipulated stock characters.
Also, not to be a total feminazi, but it creeps me out to think that someone is going to yoga and evaluating the gorgeousness females participating in the class. I know from attending class with you that you genuinely enjoy the practice, so I’m not saying you’re not acting in good faith when you attend, but your other remarks are icky. As you must know, it’s hard enough to put next-to-nothing on in yoga class and stare in the mirror for 90 minutes without judging yourself. The idea that someone else in the class is evaluating you is really invasive to me. I can’t speak to the experience of being a man in this world, but I feel like as a woman I am constantly being judged on my appearance, and I’d like to think that the underlying philosophies associated with yoga mean that yoga class would be one of the few places where I could have a break from judgment based on my looks.
Excuse the rant, but I feel you’re venturing into Maxim magazine territory here…
the producer
Elaine, I’m sorry but I must disagree with you on this one. I am a hetero woman and have been practicing Bikram for about 4 years now. I really enjoy it and I enjoy it even more when there are attractive women around me. Girls look great doing it. It’s perfect for their form…almost like a dance when done right and I find it uniquely beautiful. On my better days, I hope people around me enjoy watching me and can get so inspired. Don’t be so hard on yourself and see everything as a judgment…sometimes it’s just a little visual appreciation, that’s all. And c’mon, those Maxim girls are hot and you know it!
Chris
Elaine, you know I love you but it would be disingenuous on my part to apologize for my behaviour, both in class and in shoe stores. Perhaps for hetero women it is the greatest tragedy of hetero men that we all have a little Maxim magazine in us, but it is coded in our DNA…well, mine at least. I am attracted to physically beautiful women. Lots of the type of physically beautiful woman to which I’m attracted go to yoga class. Therefore, I enjoy my time in yoga class. I don’t know if those are judgments so much as simple factual observations.
I would like to think everyone goes to yoga to feel better about themselves, and part of that is feeling better about how you look to others. That’s what it’s like for me – my physical appearance sends a message to the world, one that I hope like-minded women will receive and appreciate. I don’t like everything my appearance is saying, which is why I try to script it with yoga, Rogaine, and interesting footwear choices.
I’d like to think what separates me from most Maxim readers is while I can use my intuition and experience to make informed guesses based on external cues I try to avoid making judgments about anyone’s character based soley on how they look or dress. That said, don’t think I haven’t noticed you in a standing bow pose…
Elaine Corden
Fair response. Of course knowing you I give you much leeway(sp?) in judging people on who they are not what they are, but I guess I was reading it from the perspective of someone who doesn’t know you… Does that make sense? Anyway, thanks for taking my questions in the non-combative manner I intended (though probably not conveyed. I was feeling scrappy that day!)
Schmidty - Man Vs. Style
One thing (and my tip) that I have only just “actually” realized I do is give people value. Not in a sense of buying them stuff ( although the first or only round at a bar will have poeple liking you), but more to talk to Absolutely EVERYONE you see. the coffee shop lady, the man behind the bar, the girl at the shop, the guy at the shop. Its amazing how many people do not do this. I have been trying to do this more and more and to be upvibe to make there day. This way they both remember and respect you. I am also trying to do it more to my friends and really be a fun, positive, vibrant person to hang around, because I believe this will come back 10 fold.
Chris
Schmidty – you’re a philosopher. I’m adding you to my blog roll immediately.
VoilaKevin
Feel like I finally found the party…
1. Yoga. Agree with you. More, again, more often. Big one for me
2. Don’t keep score. Thx Katy. Love that. Taoist perhaps, but feels Universal.
I give Kittenpie 2 stars, and not just for the name.
3. Listen. ie not just give people space to talk. This one pays bonus points everytime.
4. Shoes. Not flashy, or sexy, or expensive necessarily. But know (guys) that people are taking note.
5. Loons. Get out of the city. It’s easy to forget for months and seasons on end… but it’s good for the soul – healthy and rejuvinating – to hear loons call and fish jump, or nothing but the end of the rain dripping off rented cottage…
3
Wendy
Chris,
Forgive – Recovering from a broken marriage and broken promises my big lesson is learning to forgive. First myself in order to reconcile my past and present but equally as important is to forgive the other person no matter the indiscretion. “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.”
An attitude of gratitude. Even in my darkest hours I can always be grateful for the simple act of breathing.
Chris
I was partial to “resentment is how you let someone else use your mind rent-free” but I’m more partial to yours now, I think. Regardless, it’s sage advice Wendy…
KidfromSkatch
Bombay Sapphire is delicious, as is Tanqueray, but the name Hendricks evokes both Jimi and Christina…
I play the guitar. Like the practice of yoga, I find it to be endlessly rewarding, challenging and humbling. In Miyagi-ish fashion it has revealed a method of navigating the bigness of everything by way of learning small, unassuming exercises which coalesce in Eureka moments to form a broader understanding. Through showing up at the strings everyday I’ve learned how to learn, problem solve, and realize myself through expression. This increased awareness and facility cross pollinates with everything else I do. It’s like the Dude and bowling.
I’d like to share guitar playing with you Chris:
Strumming a standard tuned guitar without any fingers on the neck produces a bitter sounding chord. (“Is that some kind of eastern thing?”). Memorizing shapes is required to make it musical, but you can side-step this and play songs with only one finger. Start by tuning any guitar to ‘Open E’. From low (the biggest string), to high, that’ll be EBEG#BE. There are numerous online tuning websites at your googling disposal.
Now, when you strum without any fingers on the fretboard it sounds a pleasing chord. You’re making music. Placing a finger -or a slide or shot glass or knife etc.-across all the strings anywhere on the neck (with your bare finger just to the left of a fret, or with a slide right over top of a fret), will produce another chord. Every string will sound a ‘good’ note. Experiment and mess around.
Let’s call strumming the open strings 0. A number will indicate which fret to press down at or put your slide over. You now know how to play millions of songs, including:
Louie Louie 000 55 777 55
Smoke on the Water 0 3 5, 0 3 6 5, 0 3 5, 3 0
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap 0, 3 0, 5 0, 10 0
Millions of blues songs 0000 5555 0000 0000 5555 5555 0000 0000 7777 5555 0000 0000
Seven Nation Army 5, 5 8 5 3 1 0
and on and on.
Mixing an ice cold Gibson with a Gibson 6 string will make you feel like a better man in no time.