480 dollars is all it took.  480 dollars made me realize I need to be a better friend, starting today.

It’s 3am and I’ve been lying in bed for hours with what feels like a tumor growing in  my stomach, as well as the strong impression that my world is collapsing. What’s worse,  no one knows about it.   Normally it’s a constant, low-level feeling that I manage with a lot of humor and the sense of purpose that writing (like this) is providing.  Right now though, that feeling is kicking my ass.  And all because of 480 dollars.

When my ex-girlfriend and I split it was easy and rather amicable, as we had little shared property — except for our car.  We both paid an equal amount for it, although I have paid for almost all of the maintenance.  This was a sensible deal, since at the time we bought it I made twice as much as she did.  When she moved out, she was unemployed and we agreed that it made sense for us to continue to co-own it, since she needed a car to get around but couldn’t afford to keep one on her own.

Now, she is working.  I am not.  My resources are dwindling.  So when I woke up Christmas morning and saw that all four of  tires had been slashed, I knew it was going to be a financial blow that I really did not need (not that ANYONE needs a financial blow).  We have to reconsider our arrangement with the car, I thought, and this might as well be the place to start.   So I asked her to pay for half the cost of replacing the tires.  480 Dollars.  And she balked.

The source of her hesitation is the source of all our troubles; she finds me withholding and untrustworthy, and her instinct is protect herself.    She’s not wrong to feel that way, and that’s something we will have to unpack for a while.  But in this situation, my trustworthiness is beside the point.  Tires were slashed.  Cars needs tires to work.   I’ve rarely asked for help unless I absolutely need it.  I’m asking for it now.  These are incontrovertible facts.

Her reluctance underscored a growing sense that I am largely abandoned.   I’m in the biggest city in the country,  most of my friends here live within a fifteen minute drive …and I don’t know if I can reach out to any of them.   Most of the friends who could help me seem to have no inclination.   One or two have given me help, but not necessarily the kind I need.   And there are many friends who I believe would help me if they could, but are powerless to do so.

In fact, the most meaningful help I’ve received in this past year from hell was from strangers; I got two job contracts from men I’d never met before and when I had my motorcycle accident, I was helped by two Hell’s Angels — of all people.

Sure, this is all refracted through the subjective prism of my own mind and I am not in a good place, but still.  I feel like I’m fading from view, as if  I’m drowning, and the most any of my loved ones can do is watch me go under.

I look at this situation and think what did I do to get here?  Was I a bad friend at one point? I know I’ve hurt people, let some of them down, but  I just want to  work and add something to the world.   Have I been so terrible to others that I’m no longer worthy of assistance?  Has one of my friends been in the same position in the past and I’ve missed it?  I always thought of myself as generous in spirit,  but at some point did I refuse someone in need and this is karmic retribution?

But like I said…refracted through the prism.

This feeling, this sense of crushing aloneness,  is the tip of the knife.  Once it slides into you,  a whole bunch of other, far more cancerous things come with it…resentment, cynicism, and eventually hate.    I’m using everything I got right now to fight it off.   The very act of writing this is a start.  But it has to go further.  So it’s a cliché, but I’m thinking that if I want a better friend,  then I have to be a better friend. Clichés have a funny way of being true.

Jonathan Fields is very  a successful blogger, and he starts every day on Twitter with “Good morning, how can I help today?” I don’t know how many people reply, or with what requests,  but it seems like a good idea. So I will be a servant of humanity and  every morning, I will ask all of you the same question and you should feel okay to reply with anything you want.  I promise to do what I can.    It may seem like I’m trying to help you, but really it’s the other way around.