By contrast, only folks in the ridings of Calgary South, Toronto-Danforth or Etobicoke-Lakeshore will get to vote for a possible Prime Minister – the rest of us merely vote for their respective supplicants.  As it’s the habit of people to live close to others like them, it’s much easier to persuade the folks in the riding where you live to elect you than to persuade the entire country.  What that means is it’s possible for the guy/girl with a gift for leadership to be elected even if he/she isn’t the best looking, or the funniest, or the one who saw more ass than a toilet seat in university.   This is by no means a problem – a seemingly cool candidate whose good with people can be dangerous if he has no clue what he’s doing and hires idealogues to do his thinking for him (Bush and Karl Rove, anyone?).

so tell me...what will you do for an "a" in this class"?

In that regard, the most dangerous candidate might’ve been Michael Ignatieff – except he decided to return to Canada and seek public office. I remember watching Iggy on TV fifteen years ago and thinking “Now that’s a guy I’d like to see as Prime Minister”.   At the time, he was smart, he was impassioned, he was wearing black.    Iggy was every bit the cool prof who has to fight off passes from libidinous co-eds (which he was – at Harvard,  no less).    As a Canadian living abroad, he displayed a deep knowledge of our country without having to suffer the banality of living here.  Iggy was sexy – Trudeau sexy. I’m sure in England or Boston or wherever it was he was teaching, his nationality even made him seem vaguely exotic.   Ignatieff abroad was a win-win for everybody.

However, he must’ve forgotten to pack his mojo when he came home, because he returned as a treacly, tweedy academic with the same lack of feel for people as Harper has.   Returning to Canada and getting elected has been like Kryptonite – it’s robbed him of all his superpowers.  I’ve read that his stump speeches of late are a return to form, a reminder of the promise he once held.  I haven’t seen them, so I can’t say.  What I do see is a nerdy white guy who seems somewhat opportunistic to me, who can’t explain why people should vote for his party, other than they aren’t Conservatives.  He doesn’t want to lead so much as pad his resume for a lucrative speaking career later.  I admit I could be a victim of Tory campaign smears and completely wrong on his intentions.  That’s just how it looks from here.

At least Jack Layton leads a party with a platform that is distinguishable from the governing Tories – plus any guy who can attract a woman like my girlfriend Olivia Chow can’t be all bad.  Thanks to his gay-friendly mustache and willingness to do the Hip Flip with my friend Nardwuar the Human Serviette, Layton doesn’t seem quite as stuffy as the other candidates.   It’s this affability that has probably lead to the NDP’s surge in the polls and will make him the next official Leader of the Opposition, or maybe even Prime Minister in a rump minority with the hapless Liberals.

However, Layton’s failed to shake off the NDP’s socialist handle – “socialist” in this case being code for “I raise taxes so I can spend like a horny sailor on shore leave.”   In my liberal progressive university days, this would’ve been no problem to me, because I hardly made any money worth taxing.   Today, I have what I call a “country club” mentality when it comes to taxes – I think of Canada as a really exclusive country club, perhaps one of the best country clubs in the world.  It would be foolish for anyone to think they could be a member without paying dues, and yet that’s what a lot of people expect – to get the privileges without paying for them. Have you seen what happens to a country club when nobody pays their dues?  So yeah…paying taxes still doesn’t trouble me all that much.

Paying a LOT of taxes does, however, and as our dues in Club Canada are already fucking high, saying someone plans to raise them further is a credible threat, no matter what Layton promises to do with the funds.  So far, I’ve haven’t heard Layton state explicitly he’d be fiscally prudent in any way, and with the nasal voice, clipped speaking style and vaguely greasy smile (all of which reminds me of an irate gym teacher – which I believe he was, actually) I’m not sure I’d believe it if he did say that, no matter how much I may like him.

So there you go – three quasi-lame ducks whom most Canadians will never get the chance to vote for directly and could end up leading the country because there’s no one else in their party that’s more inspiring.  And that’s just fine.   You see, with any luck, this lean field will mean the outcome of the election will be the same as the previous two – a minority government that requires all parties to compromise and make deals to get things done, and no one’s personality quirks (Harper) or ideological excesses (Layton) get indulged in a way that hurts all Canadians.  The only way I can see this going pear-shaped is if Canadians get pissed off from so many elections they do something rash, like giving Harper and the Tories a majority – that, or one of these guys actually becomes a Better Man.

Either of those things happen, though, and we’re pretty much fucked.

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