Armageddon it!!
I’m driving down the street, and as I get closer to my destination, my chest gets increasingly tight. My hands are so sweaty I can barely grip the wheel. Knowing what I’m about to do fills me with deep, intense dread.
I’m not going to the dentist. I’m not going to prison. I’m not going to talk about feelings with an ex-girlfriend who won’t sleep with me no matter what I say.
I’m going to church.
I made a promise to you that as part of the God Project, I would attend a different worship service every weekend. To be honest, it seemed like an easy promise to fulfill. I spent much of my early life in the Pentecostal Church and despite my current ambivalence over faith, (Mom was a cranky Christian, Dad an affable Agnostic) being in a church hasn’t been a major issue. That’s not to say I like going - I actively dislike church and not because of the parochialism, or the rigid attachment to faith that occasionally precludes compassion or common sense. I…don’t like the way churches smell. I hate the plodding tempo of all the hymns. Those home-made banners, quilted in cheerful colours. There’s always one old lady in the congregation who sings loud and off key. In my opinion, organs belong only in funk songs. Call me shallow, but there you go.
However, that’s not why I’m so anxious. I’ve been to plenty of churches like that and they’ve never induced the same fear. No, it’s the church I’ve decided to attend that scares the Bjesus of me.
The Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
You see, I grew up under the impression JW’s are crazy. In hindsight, that seems odd, since I went to a church where the believers thought that when the Holy Spirit fills them, they can speak in a language that nobody can understand – which, if God had something THAT important to tell us, seems a little impractical. I suppose I get my antipathy towards Jehovah’s Witnesses from my mother, whose judgment of the religion was swift and unequivocal: “They are a cult.”
I had no reason to disagree. After all, Jehovah’s Witnesses are the followers who cried wolf. Like many Christian faiths, they believe that we are living in the end times and that Armageddon is just around the corner. However, most faiths hedge their bets and say end times are “near.” Not the JWs – they hung their ass out over a ledge and committed to a date — to several dates, actually.
It woulda been nice to have been warned about this one.
As a child, my only contact with the JW’s were the friendly visits to my house again and again and again and again and again and again…to tell me about the “good word.” They seemed polite, just persistent and misguided. And then I discovered the real deal breaker… they DON’T. CELEBRATE. CHRISTMAS. I mean, no presents? For the rest of us greedy Christians, that’s just … nuts. From then on, I saw their efforts as senseless and futile, like the vacuum cleaner salesman joyfully trying to promote a model that is WORSE than the one you already have.
Like most religion in my life, my fear turned to apathy and over time the JWs gradually receded from my view. I hadn’t given them any thought whatsoever, until yesterday, when I decided I would attend a service.
So there I am, standing in front of the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses. And I’m standing. And…standing. I stand in the cold for 20 minutes. I have the same feeling standing outside that church that I did when I was 14, and stood on the 10 metre hightower of my local pool, debating whether or not to jump off. I sucked it up and leaped to what could have been my death because the alternative was to be branded a coward by my “friend” Rick Fleck. As I stand there freezing my balls off (you can say that outside the church) and not wanting to go in, I realize I have another Rick Fleck to consider…that is you, dear readers (if there are any except Curt).
This is ridiculous! I’m scared to enter a church for Chrissakes” (again, I’m outside)!
“I’ll just slip in the back pew,” I tell myself, “no one will see me.” I approach the double doors, dark brown and rather commanding for such a small building. They look heavy, and not wanting to draw attention by fighting with them and possibly disrupting the service inside, I decide to use a lot of strength to open them up. Turns out, those doors are surprisingly light, because I fling them WIDE OPEN with the vigor and drama one uses to stop a wedding, or if I were maybe the devil himself. Before me there is a small sanctuary with about 30 people inside. EVERYONE turns to look back at the door, but I never give them a chance to see who opened it. I’m already trucking back down to the street to my car. Running. Away from church. Usain Bolt could not have kept up.
Still, crashing the party over at the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses has proven to be a good lesson in tactics. Henceforth, I will take the journalist’s approach to things and hide behind being a professional inquisitor. If you call ahead, talk to someone, let them know you’re coming, it feels less daunting. Not exactly the bravest move outside my comfort zone, I know. But I think I’ll walk (into a church) before I run (away from another one.)
ADDENDUM: Thanks to the current and former JWs who took issue with the dates on which the Jdubs announced the end of the world. Just because sixteen dire warnings were issued does not mean the Watchtower Society settled on sixteen different dates. It was more like 3 or 4…allthough personally, I think claiming the end of the world ONCE and getting it wrong is enough to give one pause.
ashley
heh. I can’t believe you chose JW’s as your church of choice. I’d be afraid to go and I’m a regular church goer. Frankly, your mom is kinda right (guess that’s judgmental, but COME ON, they’re a little crazy).
I go to a nondenominational church, and its one of my favorite parts of the week. Going off of your last post, its also a church that is adamant about its congregation getting off its ass and doing something for others. Seems to me that’s the kinda church you should think about attending
ashley
Correction–I read your “God Project” goal and realize that you are going to different churches each week. haha. That makes more sense.
Have you read Eat Pray Love, by the way? A good book for anyone’s spiritual journey. Don’t let its extreme popularity make you turn away from it.
Jactastic
I’ll go with you next time if you want?? I’m kind of fascinated by awkward situations BUT.. if I went you wouldn’t be awkward because i would be there as a buffer and I’m not afraid to talk to anyone as I believe that everyone, whether you agree with them or not, has some interesting perspective on some small part of the world that you could potentially find enlightening ANd… people LOVE me!! Yes… you’d be very safe hiding behind me. although.. this is YOUR project…. how about I go with you the first time and then we’ll cut your free thereafter to explore? Your religious wingman…. that’s what I could do to help YOU! (really you ran??? And TJ Hookered it??) Dude…. is that how I raised you?? What you thought of a sibling abuse with the towel wrapped hand getting punched in the head for as long as you could hack it was me, being all “Mother Theresa”on you(because I used a tea towel to wrap my hand makes me think I was like Mother Theresa) and showing you some tough love and how to survive in the big, pointy, sharp world that loves to take opportunity to surprise you now and then with a swift and unexpected punch to the head… and NOT with a tea towel wrapped hand!
Chris
Thanks for letting me hide behind your coattails, sis! Oh yes – and thanks for telling everybody about the punches to the head. I forgot about those (some kind of PTSD I guess) but it may go some way in explaining how I am today….
tom sheepandgoats
Oh, for crying out loud! Sit your butt down in one of the chairs (they don’t have pews) if you want, as if you know just what you’re doing. Wear a tie if you don’t want to stand out. A few may approach you with a “hi.” Many will ignore you. Perhaps someone will ask you if you would like a home Bible study. If you don’t, say no.
And here’s something about dates. It’s not quite so frequent as you’ve written:
http://tinyurl.com/cq6pnp
Chris
Tom, you are right, and I am a buffoon. I make no excuses, except to say that my behavior is completely irrational, and I know it.
And thanks for some clarity on dates, although if someone told me ONCE the world would end and got it wrong, it would still give me pause.
Jactastic
You forget the punches because you probably most remember my gentle and kind babysitting skills… the best ice cream sundaes EVER and the only 17 year old girl at the hockey rink gearing up her little brother when the folks were on business trips and I was left in charge for the week…lucky for you often the other dads would take pity on you and tie your skates so you didn’t have to skate the whole came on your ankles due to my poor skate lacing.
Chris
No, I think I forgot the punches because you caused brain damage.
Curt
This is with respect, OK.
At first I was grudgingly impressed with this ‘project’ and was prepared to give you props for showing up to 52 churches in 52 weeks.
Of course week 1 and 2 go by with no church, now in week 3 you have a story about supposedly showing up late, stewing outside in the bitter cold for 20 minutes, then cracking open a door before running away a like a meek ladybug.
Temperature inconsistency aside, the way the team writes this character you have balls out to there but you can’t enter a church? Riiiiiiiiight.
So basically you’re zero for 3 on your commitment to this project. You want to be a better man? Start by keeping the occasional commitment, showing up on time (or allah forbid, EARLY!) for something.
Again with respect I am actually questioning if you even did go or just felt it was time to advance this story arc a bit after neglecting it for a couple weeks.
Chris
Whoa! I don’t think ANYBODY implied I had balls out to there except for you. And for that…word.
As to your other criticism…perhaps I should’ve been a little more focused on this project, but I don’t recall promising YOU, Curt, that my attendance would be perfect. If my fallibility offends, please keep in mind that I didn’t have perfect attendance when I was actually GOING to church.
That said, I have conferred with the writing team that and created me, and they agree they have neglected this crucial story arc….mea culpa. Oh I’m sorry….they-a culpa.
Curt
As of this posting, the domain name http://www.the-sort-of-makes-an-effort-man.com is still available at godaddy.
Chris
Now, this is a disappointment…neither funny nor constructive, just plain mean. I expect more from you, Curt.
The Producer
Hey Curt,
just to catch you up… Chris has admitted that in this life his confidence, like most people’s, is largely false. Doing this project, he’s going to test himself publicly, and fail publicly, which he’s done and confessed here. That may not fit with your Axe ad version of him, but it’s what’s going on.
But I think the best part of trying to get better, will definitely be hearing criticism from armchairs like yourself. There are so many websites out there where people like to go on, and on, and on, about what should be done, so smartly, and those people seem to know exactly where to point the finger as to what’s wrong with this world, so smugly, and yet don’t really do much about it other than be clever with like-minded others. oooohhh edgy. I’m glad you can still manage find the time to visit here and share your wisdom.
Keepin’ the world honest, eh Curt? Thanks buddy. You’re the best.
Chris
Curt,
For reals dude – she will rip your face off.
Curt
Well I will give The Producer some credit here that you actually post critique and for at least momentarily dropping the pretense that this is some real individual simply writing about a solo life experiment.
For those that didn’t know already, this may be like revealing the awful truth about the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and Michael Moore.
But we discerning and perhaps jaded readers knew from the outset this is clearly a syndicated group effort and is a promotional vehicle… for what we do not know yet.
Even so, knowing who Carolyn Keene was (or wasn’t) didn’t take anything away from my enjoyment of her marvelous works. And this better-man promotional viral is certainly enjoyable neading never the less.
So enjoyable and engaging that I was enjoined to participate and play along, to pretend the protagonist really does have a commitment list to follow and really did show up at the Jehovah Hall. So in the context of the storyline, the fact remains that the protagonist committed to make a real effort to attend a new church each week. I stepped in to point out how that doesn’t really do justice to the lead character.
So to the producer and team I ask, why did the writers decide to portray him as weak-kneed wall-flower, afraid of entering a small local gathering, while at the same time also portraying him as a fearless world beating tv anchorman who’s not the least bit shy about showing his moobs to 6 billion internet viewers?!?
This breakdown in continuity is totally taking me out of the story.
The Producer
Curt…dude…
real people are full of contradictions! I’m sure you must know some.
(*shouting to others around* “hang on guys, I’ll be at the planning meeting in a sec, I’m justing posting something to the cynical promotional vehicle…I mean, blog! Shit, I hope there’s enough pizza for everyone”)
Chris
I remember reading this interview, and I think it was with Henry Hill, the guy whose life was the inspiration for Goodfellas. He talked about all the young gangsters he knew cribbed their style from the Godfather, which was ironic, since they were real and the movie was fake. The same with some girls, and their unrealistic expectations about romance based on what they see in “The Notebook” or whatever pap they’re ingesting. Their ideas for how things should be are based on things that are unreal.
The point, Curt, is that you should be smart enough to accept that people are messy and full of contradictions. You’re basing your expectation for me on the belief that I’m fake, and as an artifical construct, we should have an developed storyline, complete with watertight plot, we would’ve stayed in character.
Now, the question you have ask is…am I saying this because I’m real, or because we the writing team just want you think we are. Chew on that for a moment….
BTW…not a world-beating anchorman. Never was, never claimed to be. Now Ron Burgundy….THAT guy was amazing. Although I will confess…I didn’t hood jump my car like TJ Hooker. I just wrote that cuz it sounded funny. More like I misjudged the height of the curb and totally rammed my knee on the bumper.
tom sheepandgoats
I probably shouldn’t get involved in this but….
I’ve noticed that if one says “with respect” he/she can hurt any sort of insult with impunity, as if the ‘with respect” were modern-day equivalents of “please” and “thank you.”
I’m afraid I could never even begin to think about starting to pick a fight with a guy so self-effacing to admit to a measure of buffoonhood (aren’t we all?) and own up to some irrationality. Besides, even if I could imagine picking a fight with such a person, the absolutely original “evolutionist’s parade” banner would dissuade me. No, it’s just too unique, even though I suppose you don’t want to wear it on a tie-die ‘t’ shirt when you go into your church(es)/kingdom hall.
Chris
Tom – there is a code amongst politicians in my country that when you say “with respect” you’re actually saying “fuck you.” Come to think of it, I think everyone’s in on the same code.
Tie-die “t” shirt? Tom, my man…I haven’t worn one of those since “Groove is in the Heart” was topping the charts. I hope you, Curt, and everyone at the KH might beat me like an ugly stepchild should I wear one.
tom sheepandgoats
Oh, very well! Put it on your tie, then. (the banner, not f.u.) And then wear it to another church.
tom sheepandgoats
ooh ooh! I just reread your post, and came across this note:
since I went to a church where the believers thought that when the Holy Spirit fills them, they can speak in a language that nobody can understand – which, if God had something THAT important to tell us, seems a little impractical
For whatever it’s worth, the first chapter or two or Acts makes clear that when the early Christians spoke in tongues, they were speaking actual languages, to foreigners who were converging en masse for the Jewish Pentecost celebration. You must admit that’s a significant aid to spreading the word. It wasn’t just gobbledy gibberish they were speaking. Later, somewhere in Corinthians, I think, Paul says ‘don’t do it if there’s no one around who understands the tongue….what good is it?…won’t people think you’re nuts?’
I tell you, in spite of myself, I’m getting interested in your whazzup project. I hope the KH makes the cut because I want to read your reaction. Actually, I’m by no means sure you’ll like it….there’s not the pizzazz of some places…it may seem a little dull. But there’s no need to be intimidated by the people….they’re just that…people, and even in the unlikely event someone puts you on the spot, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for anything unless you choose to give it. Just be non-committal and milquetoast if you want to be.
Chris
Tom – I love the way He kicks it old school and all, but if we can go from 8 tracks to cassettes, then donchaythink God can update his methods too? Paul is not wrong…or maybe I had a vague mistrust of the “translation”. Just sayin’….
And I’m not rejecting the KH out of hand….I do intend to return, and as any of my ex-girlfriends can tell you, I excel at being milquetoast and non-committal.