Well, this isn't going well...

As a Torontonian,  I just hoped that a billion dollars would make itself apparent in the lack of strife on Toronto’s streets while you and your world leader buddies had a hoedown. Of course, it didn’t really go that way…folks rioted, cars got burned, windows got smashed, buildings were defaced, civil liberties were thrown out the window and innocent folks were arrested and treated like minor detainees at Gitmo…it was, as social anthropologists like to say, a pig fuck.  Now, here comes the brilliant part -  when asked for your opinion on the protests,  you said the unrest on the streets justified the huge price tag.  Whoa! It’s not often that I get to use the word “bravura” in a sentence, but your comments about the protests will go down in the annals of hosebaggery as a genuine bravura performance.  In fact, I’m going to pause right now so I can give you the slow prison hand clap like the one from the movie Brubaker….okay, done.

That's gotta wreck your day.

Really, only a gaping asshole could do what you did – you took what would look to most people like an egregious failure in light of the money spent and you turned it all around and used it as a win for G20 and your draconian security measures. A rational person may think that for a billion dollars, a “win” would be a) police quickly apprehend those bullshit protesters causing damage before it gets out of hand, and b) police arrest ONLY those bullshit protesters, leaving the other ones alone to protest freely and peacefully. Instead, the rioters ran amok, largely unmolested by the overwhelming police presence.  Only after the worst had been done did it seem to occur to the cops that maybe they should protect the public and start arresting some hooligans.  Unfortunately, most of those hooligans had made their point and blown town, leaving only peaceful protesters, who were no doubt agitated to find themselves getting gassed and clipped as opposed to the ones who actually deserved it.    And there you are, safe behind the high fences of Fortress G20 saying “Was I right or was I right?”

everyone in canada saw this happen...except for the cops at G20.

Critics may say that only someone disconnected from reality could use the failure to protect the peace in downtown Toronto as proof of how necessary it was to spend a fortune to protect the peace in downtown Toronto.   However, you and I aren’t so naive –  things could not have gone better than if you’d set those police cars on fire yourself (Wait! Did you?!  It’s not like there was a whole lot going on at the Summit, and everyone knows how much you like to take care of business on your own).    You see, a little panic on the streets of TDot is an excellent way to distract from the non-event all this violence inspired….at the end of the summit, what was there, really? Meaningful action on climate change? Nope. Something tangible to help folks like me who are still digging out from the recession? Uh-uh. Poor old Barack did have a crazy notion that maybe it was time to stop giving money to one of the richest industries in the world (oil) and maybe start taxing the other (banks), but since Canada fared the recession a lot better than other nations, you could stand on a bully pulpit and shout him down.  About the only thing you did was get everybody to agree to the idea that it’s good for governments to be fiscally prudent, an ironic accomplishment in light of how much you spent on the party.   You dawdled while Toronto burned – good work!

It makes sense now why you were so quiet all spring – you were getting ready for this shining asshole moment.  You wanted it to go off perfectly, and I suspect it surpassed even your expectations.  It certainly surpassed mine.     I realize how inadequate my previous asshole role models were – Gordon Gekko, Ari Gold,  the preppy James Spader character in Pretty in Pink.   They unleashed their prickishness on a modest scale. You, on the other hand – you’ve managed to flip the bird to a city whose citizens never wanted the G20 in the first place but also never voted for you (so who cares what they want), a nation wanting accountability on a host of issues (besides the billion bucks), and a world looking for hope and leadership through a tail end of a tough economic crisis. Really, it’s an asshole trifecta – they should build schools for assholes simply so they can name them after you.

So, as you sip your iced tea and listen to your vintage AC/DC vinyl on our national holiday, I want to let you know that you shouldn’t worry about replying to my first letter, or even this one.  It’s all good.  When it comes to being an asshole, you obviously go big, and I can see what you’re doing from here.  I’m taking notes, Steve, I’m taking notes.

Chris

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