After reading of the indiscretion with your housekeeper, and the love child that came from it, I could only think of one thing…well, okay, two things: 1) next to fucking the nanny, fucking the housekeeper is the BIGGEST cliché ever, and 2) you are a medical miracle.
You’re a miracle because it’s apparent that steroid use has not shriveled your testes in any way. Quite the contrary, in fact. People all over the world are talking on cell phones and wondering why their calls keep getting dropped. Now we know – it’s because your balls were blocking their signal. Thanks to the revelation of your bastard lovechild, cell providers can put communications satellites in orbit around your nuts to correct the problem.
Let’s review the bidding – not only did you lie by omission about an affair and a child, you did it sucessfully for FOURTEEN YEARS!! That’s like, a millennium in TMZ time (NOTE: TMZ time is measured by taking a calendar year, multiplying it by TMZ’s unrelenting search for smut, then dividing that by an average TMZ reader’s attention span). As if that wasn’t enough…you let baby mama continue to work for you almost a decade after you knocked her up! She was even pregnant AND working at your house the same time Maria was pregnant with your youngest child! To be this brazen requires testicles so huge they reside in two different time zones!
So fuck Larry Craig and his wide stance, or Chris Lee and his shirtless pics – that’s petty Beltway bullshit. You’re the Terminator, man – NOTHING about you is small.
Naturally, people everywhere are feigning righteous indignation as they suck up every detail, but I assure you, I’m not one of them. I’ve stepped out on enough girlfriends to know I have no business acting as your moral compass. If I’m no longer a douchebag, it’s partly because I realize the devastation that comes from betraying a loved one’s trust, but mostly because it’s just easier to remember the truth. I’m getting both lazy and forgetful in old age.
That’s what makes the fact you carried this lie for so long so amazing to me - to paraphrase Ron Burgundy, I’m not mad, I’m just impressed. This could be the publicity equivalent of Ebola virus, yet you kept a lid on this tighter than those shorts you wore in Pumping Iron. It probably helps that the circle of trust on this one was pretty small – just you and the maid. Still, lies are a huge burden (even for a guy like yourself, who benches…what? 300 now?), and most times you can only carry them for so long. So I suppose you had to lay down your burden eventually, but I can’t help but think you could’ve kept this a secret indefinitely if you’d just expanded your circle to include one more person – your wife.