My mother is not an alcoholic, but based on what I’ve learned from the children of actual alcoholics, my experience growing up is not dissimilar.   The combination of a controlling nature, a sense of thwarted personal ambition by virtue of having seven kids, plus ten years of unmedicated menopause made my mother’s moods wholly unpredictable.  She demanded perfect behavior from all her children, but there was no guarantee that behaving perfectly would save you.

In order to get by, you had to know how to do two things: be invisible, and apologize.  I tried to disengage myself from family life as inconspicuously as I could, but my true gift was saying sorry.  I apologized to mom for bad grades, for making second team in volleyball…I think I even apologized to her for the “dream” season of Dallas as well as hypercolor t-shirts.  It seems there was no situation too big or too small for which I wouldn’t happily take the blame. This went above and beyond the typical Canadian penchant for meaningless atonement  – it became almost an involuntary action, like blinking or bowel movements.

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Aside from bit torrents, re-connecting with friends I’d sooner avoid and all the free girl-on-armadillo porn I can handle,  the other great thing about the internet is that it allows me to indulge my penchant for interesting tangents.   This perennial lack of focus may be a big reason for my current career/life funk, but by taking a kind of stream-of-consciousness approach to pretty much my  whole life I’ve ended up doing things I never thought I’d do, in places it never occurred to me to be.   In this way, life never stops surprising me, even if some of the surprises suck.

I mention this because I’m in the midst a tangent right now: a comment from a friend after reading my letter to my dead dad made me realize I was acting like an asshole to friends and didn’t know it.  That prompted me to reach out to my friends, asking them to tell me what they really think of me.  Their responses were illuminating, and it got me wondering:  if they can tell me something about myself that I don’t know and can learn from, surely there’s a whole bunch of other things unrelated to me that they can share and I can also apply to my life.

Think of the vast number of things you need to know in order to be a functioning adult in society; there’s the basics, like try to tell the truth or remember to say “please” and “thank you” or don’t plunge a fork in your friend’s throat if he makes you mad, etc.   Then there’s the practical skills, such as changing a tire, putting up drywall, or unsnapping a woman’s brassiere with one hand. From there we move to the more advanced techniques, like knowing how to lose to your boss at squash (convincingly), successfully bluffing with a 7-2 offsuit, or working hard at things without looking like you’re working hard at them.

What I seek from you, dear reader, is a whole other level of skills…the personal ones, those little tricks you’ve adopted specifically for your own use that allow you to navigate your unique path through life.    You’ve tailored these to fit your needs perfectly, but there’s no reason why what works specifically for you can’t also work for others, or in this case…me.  Essentially, I’m asking you to let me steal your secrets for finessing your way through life. Admittedly, I could go on the Internet for such things, and I often do.   I spend hours on excellent websites such as Art of Manliness or the Art of Doing Stuff.  However, I believe that amongst my readers is a deep wellspring of knowledge with which I can edify myself.

Now, I’m not expecting this information for free.  As I mentioned in my previous post, I must re-learn how to add more to the lives of others than I take away. That’s why I’m prepared to offer up some of my own personal life tricks. Below is a completely random, non-prioritized list of some of the non-traditional skills that I think are necessary to the successful living of my life:

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It took a friend I play hockey with to point out the metaphysical piece of toilet paper trailing on my shoe:  in some circumstances, I have the capacity to be a petulant bully.  I honestly had no idea, and it got me thinking: perhaps I’m perpetrating a whole bunch of anti-social behaviours I don’t know about that demand correction.

So I reached out to some of  my closest friends, asking them to share one bad thing about me. Being my friends and knowing me well, I figured they would have informed opinions based on long experience as well as personal judgment. I assured them they could be honest and forthright knowing I wouldn’t get offended, but to make it easier for them to share (and for me to hear it) I also asked them to say one good thing.  Here’s how they responded:

Chris is a man who boasts many interests, and chief among them is himself. I have oft been regaled long into the night as he holds forth lustily and at length on the subject of said self, regardless of the level of interest exhibited by his captive audience. That said, his is a condition common to many men of a certain age who have yet to meet the sacrifices required by fatherhood. The good news is that he’s an exellent sport and I know he will take this on the chin.

That’s from Guy, a friend who backs up his loyalty with action.  He’s also blunt and preternaturally critical, so I knew I could count on him to give me something truly cutting.  Guy did not disappoint. I’ve always thought I’ve been somewhat circumspect when it comes to discussing the topic of me, but I can admit I’m wrong…either that, or Guy is just sick of hanging out with me.  Either way, it was excellent criticism, and exactly the kind for which I’m looking.

Good thing: Seemingly unfiltered. Like, you always show yourself to be exactly who you are, which makes you fun to be around because it comes from such an honest place that is so sincere & genuine, it feels special to be a part of it – we always know a visit with Chris will be one of our favorites of the year.

Bad thing: You don’t always listen, including to yourself.

That’s from my friends Katie and Colby, a married couple so cute you just want to throw them both off the roof of a skyscraper.  They need to give themselves more credit for making me feel safe enough to be myself.  As for their criticism…I think perhaps an inability to listen goes hand-in-hand with a penchant for talking about oneself at length, as Guy suggests I do.   The most charismatic people on earth are great listeners (it’s been said that Bill Clinton listened so well he could make you feel like the only person in the room), so this is sage advice.  I’m not sure if by suggesting that I don’t listen to myself that I’m talking bullshit (“Just listen to yourself!”) but Katie and Colby would be neither so mean nor so obtuse, so it’s probably something else…I hope.

Good thing: You are a totally non-judgmental person.

Bad Thing: You try too hard. You get a little pretentious, or you name drop or put on a show, and it comes across as phoney. Stop being afraid to just be yourself.

That last one was courtesy of my friend Catherine. It seems to contradict what Katie and Colby are saying, although its perhaps more a matter of me “putting on the dog” for someone with whom I want to either work or date.  It’s troublesome to think I’m giving the exact opposite impression of what I want them to have, but at least now I know why I’m still single at my age and can barely find work.

Good thing: Amazing speaker/story teller. You always hold the attention of the people you’re talking to and deliver so well. One of the most thoughtful, entertaining people I know.

Bad thing: Overly intense on first impressions. You outshine too quickly with your character and delivery and it turns off some people. Perhaps slow it down and allow the meek to open up a bit before going full tilt. Ease them into a full Nelson.

Yikes! Intense on first impressions…suddenly I think I’m coming across as Ted Bundy after he’s drank a case of Red Bull.  However,  I love my friend Peter’s ability to soften his criticism, as though I’m so interesting it’s just…TOO!…MUCH!!  Nonetheless he’s right.  I’m prone to filling the gaps left in conversations by others, gaps that perhaps should be filled by someone else.

Good Thing: One of your most compelling characteristics is an unbridled ability to ooze WARMTH. There’s a genuine glow that you radiate when conversing with others; an interest in what someone has to say, excitement for another persons stories & experience. You laugh easily and envelope people with a feeling of utter ease & comfort. Back in the day, I introduced you to an older actor I knew, a terrific BORE of a man. I tried to communicate my embarrassment with pleading looks of apology everytime something radically stupid came out of his mouth. But no matter! You had filed away any inkling of judgement for this person, and embraced everything he said with an open mind & heart. My respect for you soared! You were so warm, so genuinely interested and so good natured about the whole experience that I vowed to try to be as graceful & kind as you are; to be as open & good natured when I found myself in similar circumstances.

Bad Thing: I believe that you may fall prey to putting too much emphasis on outward appearences, and if you stopped scanning rooms for the most outwardly beautiful woman in the room, you’d have a better shot at an enduring worthwhile relationship.

This is from my amiga Shannon, and her good comment directly contradicts what Guy, Katie and Colby just said.  I haven’t seen Shannon as recently as I’ve seen the others, so perhaps I used to listen to others well but over time I’ve gotten WORSE!  As for her bad comment…guilty as charged.  Mind you, EVERY guy does this, whether they cop to it or not.  In my defense I have little in common with the most beautiful women in the room, which is why I’ve cultivated relationships with the most interesting ones instead. Then again, none of those interesting relationships have worked out, so perhaps I need to date more vapid hotties.

Good thing: You are genuinely curious and eager to learn, and I have never once seen you treat people differently based on their connections or status. You make people feel welcome and like you are interested in their life, regardless of who they are.

Bad thing: You use self-deprecation as a means of hiding or avoiding. Sometimes it reads as someone not confident enough to put themselves out there and apply 100 per cent effort, and other times it reads as possibly false modesty, like you know you’re good at something but don’t want to seem like a douche for saying so. I’m not saying this is the truth, it’s just how it reads.

Once again, a note from a friend I haven’t seen in a while whose good comments make me think I’m worse today than I was  a few years ago.  Could it be that as my life becomes increasingly more lacklustre,  I’m getting more self-absorbed and thoughtless? The tragedy of my life could be the less interesting I become, the more I talk about myself.  As for the bad thing – well, I used to tell people that self-deprecation is something ego-maniacs use to hide their vanity. By the way, did I mention I hate myself?

This is from my friend Piers:

Good thing: very well-spoken.

Bad Thing: occasionally glib.

What I say: Points for brevity.

You act without first considering how others might feel about what you’re doing.

That’s from the woman I’m currently seeing.  She’s absolutely right.  What’s worse? I take actions that I know might affect others, but I don’t want them to prevent me from doing what I want.    I always believed in the adage  ”it’s easier to apologize than to ask permission”, but maybe it’s time to let my unilateralism go.

Soooo…..I’d had many responses to my request, and if there is a trend emerging from my friend’s comments, it’s this: I have a great capacity for warmth and charity of spirit, but I am more self-aborbsed and less considerate today than I have been in the past.   This is bittersweet news, as it means that friends have had to put up with my douchey behavour of the past few months  (years?), but also that they’ve seen enough good stuff in me that they’re prepared to tolerate it…for now, at least.  If there’s one message in all of this is, I think it’s this:  if I want to be a Better Man I have to re-learn how to add more to the lives of others than I take away.

Jock assholes are like acne – they affect all of us at some point (usually in high school) and some of us get them worse than others.  Just like acne, jock assholes can leave visible scars but for the most part  we all recover from them and go on to lead full lives.  About the only people immune to the irritation caused by jock assholes are other jock assholes.

As for me, I’ve listened to Morrissey and Bob Mould, read Milan Kundera (and I think I understood most of it) and grew up with a personal style that is best described as Rick Astley meets Layne Staley.  I’ve never snapped a teammate’s bare ass with a towel,  never mated with a prom queen or pissed on the door handles of a geek’s car.  It never occurred to me that anyone might confuse me with an actual jock asshole, chest-bumping and date-raping my way through my natural habitat.  Yet that is precisely how Lena thinks of me. Apparently, she has felt this way for months.

Lena is a woman I occasionally play co-ed street hockey with on Sundays.  She can be loud and is often prone to saying wildly inappropriate things in mixed company.  She has the courage of her convictions, even when her convictions fly in the face of facts or common sense.   If being crass and opinionated was an Olympic sport,  Lena’s face would be on a box of Wheaties. However, she’s also warm-hearted and genuine (qualities she seeks out in others) and is blessed by occasional moments of uncommon clarity.  That’s probably why I couldn’t dismiss what she said out-of-hand; she sent me a note after reading the open letter to my dad. I quote: “This was so good it surprised me.  I always thought you were some jock asshole.”

Now, saying “I thought you were gay” would be an understandable misperception – my apartment is tidy and I kind of like that Bronski Beat song.  To me,  ”I always thought you were a jock asshole”  was like saying “I always thought you were a Zulu warrior” or “I always thought you were the guy who invented Insulin”. I know that in her own inimitable way Lena was offering a compliment. If her assessment was wrong, it was only because….well, Lena’s wrong about a lot of things.

Except Lena is not wrong.   As I thought about it more, I realized that in the context in which she knows me, she’s absolutely right: when I play hockey, I play like a jock asshole.   I’m one of the biggest guys who plays, and I’ve learned to compensate for my lack of skill by using my size and strength to either muscle or intimidate other players, including the females.   I’m not above barking at a female opponent to scare her off the puck.  Lena even watched as my ex (who also plays) and I got into a shouting match simply because I was mad at her for scoring on me.

I’m not sure how I could have been blind to it so long, and that got me thinking:  if I can be a jock asshole and not know it, can I also be blind to the possibility that I may be…oh, I don’t know… a wet, flapping douchebag perhaps? In other words, are there are things essential to my nature to which I’m completely oblivious?  Am I Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense?

I  knew that if I was to be a Better Man this year,  I may need to enlist the help of friends. However, I was never sure how they might help…until now.   Who is better equipped to point out those glaring personal flaws to which I am unaware than the people who know and love me best?

That’s why I have sent the following note to several of my friends:

FROM: Chris Nelson

RE: One Good Thing, One Bad Thing

Somerset Maugham once said that “people ask for criticism when secretly they want praise.” Is it too much to ask for both?

Some of you may be aware that I’ve turned this year into a personal improvement lab, with yours truly as the primary test rat. I’ve been chronicling my exploits on my blog, at the-better-man.com

So far, all I’ve required of you is your willingness to read whatever drivel I publish, but now I’m reaching out for assistance with an upcoming post – I want you to tell me one good thing about me, and one bad thing.

I would like each of you to take a moment and think about one thing you admire about me, and then one thing that stands out as a glaring character deficit, something that could stand improvement. If you’re feeling uneasy, remember that I asked for it. Think of it as helping me achieve a goal.

Now, I’m not looking for anyone to shine me on – I don’t require empty platitudes any more than I need harsh generalities. I thought of asking because I love all of you and I trust that anything you say will be constructive, so you need not worry about saying something that will either hurt my feelings or go to my head. Should you agree to help, please remember to a) be thoughtful, b) be funny, and c) be prepared for me to quote you directly when I post the responses on my blog.

So, roast away kids….and thanks!

This is the classic “kiss and a slap” or “iron fist in a velvet glove” approach – I figured they’d be more forthcoming with their criticism if they could first soften it with a little praise.    Then,  I might go about addressing those criticisms,  taking a hard look at myself and finding ways to correct them.   Naturally, dear reader, you’re welcome to weigh in as well (Curt, have you given up on me yet?).   Replies in my next blog….